The vast majority of the shows in the downstairs theater at iO are completely improvised, which is to say, completely made up on the spot, with no script. Each show is different and new.

Except for the host. There's no script telling you what to say when you open a night of improv at iO, but most hosts say, almost word for word, the same things.

"Hello, welcome to the iO Theater. By applause, how many of you are here for the first time?" Some hosts will ask for a show of hands, but applause is better. It doesn't really matter who's never been to a show before and applause pumps some energy into the room.

"Well, you're in for a treat. You're about to see some long form improvisation. Each group is going to come to you, the audience, for one suggestion. They'll then take that suggestion and use it for inspiration for various characters and scenes and games." This is where the host is most likely to get lost. Most people don't know what long form improv is (as opposed to short form games), and although it's not really all that complex an idea on the surface (one suggestion and then anything goes) it's natural for a host to feel like they need to further explain it, or even subtly defend it. They may throw in phrases like, "themes," "interweaving," "more than the sum of its parts," and sometimes, if they're really nervous, "art." Usually, though, it's best to quickly move on to, "All of it made up on the spot, giving you a show that has never been seen before, and will never be seen again."

"We're not just a theater. We're also a bar." There may be some patter with the bartender about what the specials are and about how the host is "definitely going to order that drink as soon as I get off stage." About half the hosts throw in the joke, "The more you drink, the funnier we get." It always gets a laugh and is not untrue, but I'm not a big fan of it. Every once in a while a host may throw out a joke about there being no drink minimum but no maximum either. Legally speaking, this is not strictly true.

The piano player is introduced ("improvising with us all night, on the keys..." or sometimes, "the most important improviser in the room...") and the first group is brought on stage.

At the end of the show, the host thanks everyone, and encourages the audience to tip the wait staff. "They appreciate your applause, but they appreciate your tips even more. They use that money for little things like food and rent." Some hosts add, "and drugs" to the end of that for a laugh, and at least one frequent hosts goes one further by adding, "like insulin."

Finally, the host may plug whatever show is up next, and they'll usually plug the theater's training center. "If you thought this looked like fun and you think you'd like to do it, you can. We're not just a theater," and a bar, "we're also a training center. All of the performers up here tonight have taken our classes. For more information grab a brochure at the box office or visit us on the web at..." and then the host usually can't remember if the address ends in com or net. It's net.

It rarely deviates from that. And despite the fact that most of the hosts are very experienced improvisers, when it does deviate from the "script" it often goes badly.

I've never hosted.